I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
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I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
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I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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