It's a beautiful day for a hangover
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm too high and old for this...
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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