Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
