if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I supernannyed him into submission
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
