Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
