your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
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and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
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I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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