i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
