there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'