my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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