I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
21 ‘Don’t Say It’ Tweets That Are Gonna Get Said Every Damn Time
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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