I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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