look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
