there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
you had me at cake vodka
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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