I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
