If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
