this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
