I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
