Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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