my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
