Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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