You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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