I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
