i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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