And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
