Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
