Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
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He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
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It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
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