Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
