The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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