if i can run in heels then i can drive
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
