The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
