I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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