I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
