I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
