is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
A bitchslap is in order.
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