My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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