I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
So squirting runs in the family.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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