She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
