First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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