hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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