I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My ass is underappreciated
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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