Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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