my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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