I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
