I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
