I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
