He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
