between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
