So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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