The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
