hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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