Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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