I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
