You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
