My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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