tell your sister to shave her snatch
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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