In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Randomize
