I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
