i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
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Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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