I love black thongs
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
